Wednesday, November 12, 2003
A Revelation
So after several months of serious thought and reading up on the subject of, well, me, I have come to several conclusions as to why I am the way I am with people...Here it goes...
When I was young, I experienced devastating rejections from my family. For example:
I had a crush when I was in seventh grade, and I would write him notes, and do the call-and-hang-up thing, and the "Oh, he's so cute!" gushy thing...anyway, one day I had noticed that he wasn't in school, so I went to the school office and asked if I could use the phone. The school counselor asked my why, and I told her I was having "personal problems", and wanted to call my mother. She immediately nodded and let me use the phone, which I used to call him and ask why he wasn't at school...After school the next day, my mother confronted me, telling me that the counselor had called her and asked if everything was okay. She sat me down and demanded that I tell her who I called...I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell her...She then slapped me repeatedly until I told her who I had called...
Now I understand for some, especially those with open relationships with their parents, may not understand why I didn't just come out and tell her. The thing is, whenever I told my parents about anything, their response was either patronizing or a meltdown. A great example would be when I was very young, and I told my father that I didn't believe in God because I had never see Him...He went into a torrent...I don't remember much, but I recall him saying something like, "...Have you seen a dollar bill? It says 'In God We Trust!' Spoiled brat...Why are you even in this family if you don't even believe in GOD??" He didn't speak to me for days after this...
There are many other examples, too many to mention here, but I was a pretty sensitive kid (I still am), and these had a profound effect on my relationship with my family. I don't feel I can tell them hardly anything now...
I also experienced severe rejections from peers (mostly females) as well, going as far back as preschool...Like I said, I was a sensitive kid, and most anything back then would send me into tears...Hence my schoolday nickname "crybaby". I was harassed on a daily basis throughout almost all of my school years...spit on, bullied, humiliated,...Since I couldn't communicate with my parents, I had no outlet for what I was feeling. I began holding everything inside and withdrawing from people in general. I would escape with fantasy, which was a safe haven from all the hurt I was feeling from the outside world, and a place where I could have all the friends I wanted and none of them would hurt me...
Fast forward now to the present, where I realize now that I am basically the same person I was back when I was dealing with all this rejection. In many ways, I really am...I still fantasize frequently (though I keep it under wraps as much as possible, to avoid embarrassment when people realize I am not listening to them)...I don't have strong opinions either...Many times I don't feel like I know myself at all, and I rely on others for suggestions on what is "good", "cool", "appropriate", etc. I have found that this is common among those in their teen years, when they are only beginning to develop a sense of self...
I now avoid relationships with females, for fear that I will be rejected at some point, (which almost always turns out to be self-fulfilling, since once they realize that I am withdrawing from them, they ridicule me in return for being the "weird hermit"). The only females I interact with are the ones who readily accept me...though usually they don't, and I become so afraid of them that I don't bother to approach them, or if I do, speechlessness and tears result. The few relationships I have had with females are surface relationships (bar buddies).
I have child-like views on love... I tend to look to relations with the opposite sex for validation and unconditional love, not an unconditional love like a husband-and wife sort of thing, something more like a parental love. I have improved with relationships over the years, being that I have had so many, but there is always a point where I feel that the relationship may be threatened (whether real or imagined) and I unwittingly test their affections, much like a teenager does toward a parent, to see if they will put up with it and stick around. Unfortunately, whereas parents are usually resilient and easily forgive, men are turned off by the "crazy girl" and run away. I am hurt because they failed the "test" and withdraw further. Only recently I have been able to see that I am doing this and that I am ruining relationships...My mother always told me that it was "his fault" that the relationship ended when I knew it was me causing it, but I didn't know how I was doing it...
So, my current delve into psychotherapy is to see if I can work through all of this, have normal relations with people, and hopefully become more normal in the process. God, I hope it works...
Well, that's my revelation. Crazy Girl signing off...
- posted by Sherri @ 11/12/2003 09:25:00 PM
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
How Titillating...
I just realized that the title of my blog is also the title of an African-American lesbian erotica book...Heehee...
- posted by Sherri @ 11/11/2003 08:59:00 PM
Look Mom, I'm Emotionally Unstable!...
The Big Five Personality Test |
Extroverted | |||||||||| | 32% |
Introverted | |||||||||||||||| | 68% |
Friendly | |||||||||||||| | 52% |
Aggressive | |||||||||||| | 48% |
Orderly | |||||| | 30% |
Disorderly | |||||||||||||||| | 70% |
Relaxed | |||| | 16% |
Emotional | |||||||||||||||||||| | 84% |
Intellectual | |||||||||||||||||| | 74% |
Practical | |||||| | 26% |
- posted by Sherri @ 11/11/2003 08:44:00 PM
Sunday, November 09, 2003
MTV is destroying the precious brain cells of our youth as we speak.
So of course I've been watching it all day today...
For starters, there's Nick Lachey, former boy-band member and reality show star who apparently has just released his solo debut album, aptly named "Soul-O." Ick!
The new dating show "Room Raiders" nauseates me. When did choosing which bedroom you like best become an acceptable way of deciding who to date? The concept is horribly shallow, along with the characters MTV chooses to be on the show...Oh my God...I can't believe he just said that about my hardened, crusty underwear! He is SO rude...
The most annoying by far is Trishelle, the former Real Worlder from Las Vegas...post "Playboy" spread, she is now on the cast of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, the Gauntlet...once again hooking up with everything breathing that she encounters while still proclaiming her "innocence." Only this time she is doing it with a hilariously bruised face she received while doing something stupid on a bike ride, which is like, totally not like her at all...
MTV is clearly focusing on the 12-13 year-old age group with their programming lineup, ending the day on a prepubescent note with the arrival of "Viva La Bam" and "WildBoyz." If a bear biting Ryan Dunn's ass isn't riotous enough...
These past months have been pure torture...doesn't help that my therapist forgot my appointment again...why in the world did I ever agree to move here? I feel completely closed off from the world...
*Sigh.*
- posted by Sherri @ 11/09/2003 06:18:00 PM